Sunday, March 20, 2005

Legend of Hou Yi and the slutty Chang Er

Post is erroneous.. dont have time to check.. bear with it..

A Malaysian classmate of mine asked me what or how the Easter holiday came about. I thought it was an easy question and that I could answer him by the snap of my fingers. It wasn’t until when I TRIED to reply him that I found it so difficult to answer him. He then asked why there would be bunnies whenever Easter is mentioned. I was clueless.

I never was brilliant as a student in class when I was younger and I never was enthusiastic about learning ancient Chinese legends. Legendary English heroes has always been known (example, Hercules) but who would have heard bout Hou Yi, Wu Guang and Chang Er..

Allow me to educate you with a legend. Please do note that this is my version and I could be wrong bout the actual facts. So, do not ever quote me. (feel free to correct me)
– a good story to be told on mooncake festival... reason to why I chose this ?? - this is the only story I know. For the guys, this could be a good conversation piece to a girl as well…Here goes…

the Legend of the Heroic Hou Yi and The slutty Chang Er. (MY VERSION)

Over 2000 years ago, there was a china man by the name of Hou Yi. hou Yi was impressively blessed with great accuracy in archery. There was also this chick by the name of Chang Er..she was beautiful and some might say sultry as well…she was mesmerized at how great an archer Hou Yi was that she decided to seduce him…

On one dark stormy night with raging thundershowers, she knocked on Hou Yi’s apartment and begged to bunk in for a night explaining that she’s lonely, alone, afraid and of course…very very horny… “things” started heating up and ,,,, …… (for this, I’ll leave you to your imagination… cause you wouldn’t wanna know whats IN MY head right now as I type this)…Anyway… soon before anybody knew, they got married. They never got a son as Hou Yi was smart enough to use sheep’s skin (condom.. they weren’t really advance 2000 years ago)..

(damn.. this is more difficult than I thought it would be…especially when I’m translating this 8000 page long book of Chinese legends.. from traditional Chinese to English… so I’m going to make it really brief.. cut me some slack.. and try following me through … as I go along… stay with me…EVEN if I sound absurd).

There was also the Heavenly King who then had 10 sons. Apparently, these sons are SUNS. (YES!!! WE USED TO HAVE 10 SUNS. Don’t ask me how but we just have it). His “sons” were very playful and they raised and set like nobody’s business. The King warned them that they must never come out together and that they can only come out to play simultaneously… but of course, they never listened…

So, imagine if you have 10 SUNS up in the sky… how oppressively hot it must have been. The heat killed many people and this incurred the wrath of Hou Yi. Of course, Chang Er didn’t mind since she get to see Hou Yi naked everyday… (he wasn’t inclined to wear his shirt and pants in the sweltering heat).

Soon after, Ho Yi got sick and tired of satisfying his wife’s ever demanding sex needs, he then rode up high onto the mountains with his black Mercedes (horse), and started shooting the SUNs.. (sons)… he killed One.. two…. Three…. Six…. eight.. NINE… and just when he was about to finish off with the Tenth Sun,…

an old ah peh (old man)…appeared out of no where and said breathlessly… “wait a min… wait a min oh great strong man… you can’t kill all the suns!!!..what the hell are you doing …. if you kill all the suns,.. we will eventually die as well!! Please have mercy…use your head…”

hou Yi stopped and thought through the advice … he then warned the last sun ,” hey punk, you’d better be really careful at what you do… you’d better go home for a shower in the ocean in the evening and sleep at night. Wake up and come out only in the day…” The last sun agreed readily and was more than ever thankful to hou yi’s mercy.

For such act, heroic Hou yi was awarded the Purple Heart… err no wait… I mean a xian dan (magical pill) by the heavenly king and thank him for killing all his hungry sons… The thing about this magical pill is when it is ingested, it can transform one into deity.

Now, Hou Yi soon became a household name and thousands of woman started flocking to him when they all heard what he did… however, he was a faithful man and he would share all that he owned with his beautiful slutty wife, Chang Er.. he decided to share the xian dan with his wife on thanksgiving dinner.

Who would have thought Chang Er, the only woman he trusted, the only woman that he had loved all his life to betray him… She stole the pill and ate it all by herself… Soon she turned into a deity and floated into the sky towards Heaven. however, she was refused entry through the gates of Heaven…due to the fact that she sinned the moment she stole and betrayed her husband.

where could she go next? Well, she went to the moon since she’s no longer mortal… and guess what? it is believed that she’s still on the moon EVEN UNTIL NOW.

So TECHNICALLY, Neil Armstrong wasn’t the first man to step on the moon.

As far as I can remember, there is a dude, a chick and two bunnies on the moon right now. YES. Two bunnies.

They are Chang Er, Wu Gang and Two bunnies.

I wouldn’t know the exact stories about Wu Gang or the bunnies. All I know is that Wu Gang’s a dude who’s been chopping tree. Apparently, he’s been sent to the moon to chop A tree to repent his sins or something like that… NOTE… I didn’t say Trees.. I SAID ONE TREE. So, technically again, he’s been chopping the same tree… Even UNTIL NOW!!

About the bunnies?? they’re up there beating dough (flour) simultaneously. Maybe they’re the Easter bunnies.

Wait.. then again, you might ask this doesn’t make sense at all.. I know.. don’t’re normal.. cause these doesnt make any sense to me either. All I know is that they all live happily ever after together happily … EVEN UNTIL NOW…

WAIT WAIT A MINUTE…. are we forgetting someone??? OUR HERO… whatever happened to HOU YI??? Well… every year in august ??(can’t remember when mooncake festival is, it is also the date where chang er floated up into the skys….) he’d get really drunk, look at the moon, point his middle finger, and swear for 24 hours .. hoping for his wife Chang Er to reach menopause. …

Then again, you might ask why can’t he just shoot the moon down with his arrows? for that… you’ll just have to wait till I finish this book. (8000 pages…)…

damn…This post took me about an hour to write

If you have reached the bottom of this post and are still reading this, I must salute and thank you.


At 4:08 PM , Blogger FF said...

I honestly don't think this is what actually happened. ;) You story teller you!

At 4:39 PM , Blogger miryclay said...


absurd translation but wacky!


At 7:00 PM , Blogger Von said...

You're so very welcome, really.

Nice try.

At 3:51 PM , Blogger mIcHe said...

what about the easter story?

At 4:32 PM , Blogger Maximus said...

ff> the gist of this legend (my version) was indeed true..

of all people.. i didnt think you'd know very much about chinese legends..

what wasn't true is the 8000 page book.

miryclay > yes.. its absurd.. i didnt believe it either..

Von>indeed it was worth giving a shot at it .. afterall.. my version has never been untold.. though its always lingering in my head every mooncake festival since i came to know about this legend..

miche > easter story..
there are two reasons to why it hasnt been related in my blog.. you may choose either
1) i got too carried away with the ever slutty chang er..
2) i dont know no easter story.. all i know is that there's a long weekend ahead.

At 12:21 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

good friday = the day Christ was cruxified.
easter sunday = the day Christ was resurrected from the dead.

At 3:45 PM , Blogger A.Ball.of.Yarn said...

first time here. this is a damn funny post.:)


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